The one thing strong couples do when they fight

With this mindset, conflict can actually make your relationship more resilient, experts say.

By Anna Borges


Conflict in a relationship isn’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it’s pretty inevitable. Differences in personalities, needs and expectations can cause friction. And stressors like financial difficulties, illness, work responsibilities, parenting and major life changes can test even the most in-sync couples.

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So what distinguishes relationships that crumble under pressure from resilient couples who make it through the ups and downs of life together? It’s how they fight that matters most, said Anthony Chambers, director of Northwestern University’s Center for Applied Psychological and Family Studies.There are many markers of healthy conflict, from compassionate, validating communication to the ability to recover and reconnect after things go off track. But according to Chambers, who’s also a board-certified couple and family psychologist, one mindset underpins many of the best practices: seeing each other as teammates, not opponents.

Research on “we-ness” supports this idea: A 2019 meta-analysis found that “we-talk” — language that frames partners as a unit — was associated with better relationship functioning, in part by promoting more positive conflict.